NUMB

I feel sad. I am sacrificing a lot for nothing. I feel failure, in everything. I keep on picking myself up, each day, everyday. I am trying hard to be normal.  Pretend to be normal, Project to be normal. Sometimes I feel  I have accepted it but more often gloomy. I wake up, glad to be still breathing and do what I am suppose to do for each day but deep inside I feel empty. I dont have a life. Im sad, very very sad. I am screaming with frustrations and disappointments.I feel helpless and I feel defeat, then numbness

I sold my soul. I made a terrible mistake. And I am paying for that one wrong decision. It was a choice, not a destiny. A wrong move, carefully thought about but I was overwhelmed. I never foresee all of these. It was all because of a dream. A dream for a better life. yeah, better life, but look what Ive got. A never ending feeling of being in a tunnel of nowhere and darkness. Enduring all the consequences of that decision now. And for not having the courage to leave from  where I am right now is a second big mistake. I dont know how. Stagnant. 

But I do not know too what would have been like if in case I am not where I am today. I didnt bother to think about that . Should I have been wiser before ? Maybe I am in a better stand ? But who knows. 

I love riding on trains, i feel at peace. I can gather my thoughts and reflect. I am fascinated with people heading to wherever destinations they go.What are their stories? in the mornings of working days almost everyone are rushing to catch their respective train schedules.  Some are running, some are cool, some looks so calm and some looks so worried. I wonder if these people have problems too. light or heavy? 

prayer

Matthew 12 “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.

My prayer and reflection:

Lord it is by your grace that I Am standing still, amidst all the struggles and my whims. I thank you for your unending love and guidance. I know it is all by your mercy that I have victories on my battles and acceptance in my defeat.

I thank you for every morning that I get the chance to wake up. Thank you for the opportunity to go to work, for my job, for my strength to fulfill my workloads, for keeping my mind sane amidst all the stress and chaos of my everyday life and above all, the blessing of having my Kathryn and my family and friends.

May I ask you God, to guard my heart and conscience in everything I do. At times when I've been trying to be fair but misjudged. When I help but I am not appreciated. At times when people abuse my little kindness , please don't allow my soul to be bitter.

Lord please forgive me too for all my sins - for having my own shares of misjudgement, for all ill feelings toward others, for basing my happiness on material wealth, for all my complains, for a weak faith, for a jealous heart, and for all the right things I should have done but unable to do it.

May I not forget to remember that as your sheep You will always look after me when Im lost .

Reciprocate

But... the truth is, life is definitely not fair. Sincere people when they give, they give wholeheartedly without any hesitation or reservation, and expect others to reciprocate with the same sincerity and when others DO NOT you feel hurt and betrayed. I know that feelings. I had been in such situations many times. I learnt the hard way. Still from time to time I fall in the same trap (being my character).

Things in life are relative and not everything is measured with a materialistic scale. Most things have moral values that no money can buy.

One more thing I want to add. Do not expect that everyone would reciprocate the good that you provide to them. Because not all people are as honest as you thought. Some are selfish and greedy but there are also people who are good and appreciative. So, all I say is, expect all sorts of people but I pray for you to have the good ones to be more

im beginning to believe that hardwork and perseverance alone won't realize ur dreams, i think what i need is a litte stroke of luck of which i don't have :-(

 but i dont know why im still holding on!?! Maybe becoz i already mastered d' art of waiting or unsubconciously believe that patience is a virtue.

oftentimes i am already tired of wearing my fake smile to show that im ok. 

But i do have genuine smiles when i think of batchang :-). A miniature of me. Hope she grew up better than me, smart like oders n' has a stronger personality  who wouldnt just wear a fake smile but fight for what she believes n' like.

thoughts from d bus 

life lessons

I have learned my lessons the hard way.

Even if life sometimes knock us down, as long as we are still alive, we learned that life is always beautiful